Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.

   The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth............... Steve Buscemi

   Scientists, less of that new technology stuff and more of making a device that stops women from asking you questions during the game.

   I wonder where women without thigh gaps put their hands when it’s really cold.

   Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.

   If Joseph was black. Mary: I’m pregnant… Joseph: It’s not mine. Mary: That’s what I’m trying to tell you.

   With 7 billion people in the world now, telling a girl she’s one in a million doesn’t cut it anymore as it just means you have 999 other options.

   I don't feel sorry for fat people. No one woke up one day fat. It takes a lot of being lazy and plenty of nothing to do.

   Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...

   JAMES ON FACEBOOK: The fact that your girlfriend lets you have sex with her isn't enough reason for you to hold her handbag.

   The worst part about reggae music is that when they aren’t singing about weed they are singing about how it’s okay to be poor.

   I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can't run away..."

   One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?

   Honestly autocorrect...I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

   INNUENDO [in-yoo-en-doh] noun: An Italian Suppository

   snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.

   Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.

   10 whole years in the friend zone and you are still friends? What an idiot.

   Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?