Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   I am tried of 7 day weeks and having to wait for the weekend. I think the week should be as followed. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Get rid of Wednesday and Thursdays. . .

   Wonder if A-Rod's new sponsor is going to be a syringe company...

   There's no WE in pizza. Only i.

   You can't be wise and in love at the same time.

   I listen to smooth jazz from time to time, but it depends on which elevator I’m in.

   I’ve been to hell and back so many times I bought some property while I was there.

   You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

   Facebook event invites are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet

   He said: Am I the first man to sleep in your bed? She said: Well... if you actually fall asleep then yes.

   I wonder if sharks have people week.

   Weiner tells A-Rod to Stick it out.

   Relationships are weird. "you're funny and smart" eventually turns to "you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   In New Mexico a man was arrested for buying a woman food so that she would have sex with hom. The man has been charged with Dating.

   how do germans tie their shoes in little nazis

   Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(

   There's nothing worse than getting crop dusted by the gay guy at work on a Monday morning...

   Thanks to A-Rod, the Anthony Weiner scandal has kinda petered out.