Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; You know, if you drink enough wine you don't even notice the spiders.

   Sometimes dating somebody means help raise their self-esteem to the point where they know they can date someone better than you.

   I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

   The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don't want breakfast.

   I want a restraining order against every spiders.

   My last words on death row will be "Thank you."

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.

   Seriously considering building an ark tomorrow, but screw the spiders, they're on their own this time....

   Simon Cowell is worse than cow dung and dog vomit combined.

   A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior

   Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.

   My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."

   These "Superhero" movies really crack me up when they reveal their secret identity to their girlfriend... As if the first fight they have she's NOT going to blast on Facebook "Peter Parker is an A$$hole and he's really Spiderman"....

   After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

   How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   I don't want to live forever. But if I found the Fountain of Youth, I'd definitely stick my balls in it.