Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!

   If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

   Give me coffee or give me breath.

   My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?

   Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?

   I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

   Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?

   I saw Lebron James before the game and I asked him for change for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. I said "Where's the rest?" He said "I don't have a 4th quarter."

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.

   Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.

   Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.

   If Hillary was President, Air Force One would be a Broomstick.

   I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.

   If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.

   If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"

   you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?

   Taco Tuesday is great and all, but I can't wait for Sloppy Sex Saturday.

   Marijuana is a gateway drug to pizza.vThat's all.