Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas; Not all women are interested in your money. Some of them only want your souls.

   At church today we were asked to raise your hand if your a sinner! Girl raised both hands. I went to sit next to her.

   Stay in that position I just got a Facebook Notification.

   Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.''

   You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.

   People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.

   I'm going to trade my truck in on a smart car. Nobody asks the dumbass in the smart car to help them move!

   Trying to start a conga line at work is unprofessional, and borders on sexual harassment. 'Apparently'.

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   Just watched the Selena Gomez "Birthday" video and now I understand why terrorists exist.

   The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one?

   You won't see my crazy unless I want you to see my crazy. That's how crazy I am.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, that man is a wussy.

   Almost have my puppy trained to only sh*t in the neighbors yard.

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   COMEBACK: Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another pair of crocs.

   just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!