Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask not what my pen*s can do for you... but what you can do for my pen*s.

   You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

   There are moments in history that I believed the world was moving forward then there are moments like last night that remind you it hasn't moved an inch.

   Facts do something the media never does...tell the truth.

   Remember to wear your hoodies up today...even though it will be 90 degrees. WWTRD?

   You can't buy happiness, But you can buy weed. And that's kind of the same thing.

   Fish have sex without penetration. Yes I was watching National Geographic all weekend.

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?

   Don't send me flowers unless its weed.

   All Karaoke bars are shouting out with Glee.

   Saw my ex girlfriend working at Subway today. She had to make me a sandwich! :-)

   My therapist says I'm obsessed with vengence.. Oh yeah? we'll just see about that

   I give up on trying to make ends meet. Now I'd be happy if they would just wave at one another.

   take Johnnie cochran to Florida with you & you could really do anything then.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS; There is Rioting in the Watermelon Fields and Looting at the KFC'S and POPEYE'S CHICKENS In Florida over night due to George Zimmerman being found "NOT GUILTY"...

   The American Justice system was ruined the day they started to allow cameras in the courtroom.

   More people saw Grown Ups 2 than Pacific Rim. This, plus the verdict, sums up America.

   Breaking news: Obama to hire George Zimmerman as the new director of Homeland security.

   The fishin was so bad the mosquitos weren't even biting

   My daughter doesn't look like me, but she acts like me, we both cry when we don't get breast fed.