Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire

   When I die am donating my corpse to the ground.

   I'm afraid your bio is writing checks that your profile pics can't cash.

   Bring a banana peel to a karate fight.

   I only clap because I am glad its over not because it was a great speech.

   My boss is into me.Whenever I show up for work in the afternoon,she's always like "Where have you been?You should have been here hours ago!"

   When God said "do not covet", He was talking about your neighbor's Wi-Fi.

   Sometimes you have to remember that the common denominator in every failed relationship you ever had is you.

   Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.

   Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.

   Any woman that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.

   Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

   If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!

   I can't help thinking Moses would have been a hit at Olympic Swimming events.

   Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.

   I'm pretty intelligent if you ask me and only me.

   Don't ask me how my night was coz I don't know. I was asleep.

   If you're going to be stupid, don't do it on Facebook.

   Finding your purpose in life is kind of like finding the G-Spot. Nobody needs to tell you, you'll know when you find it.