Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, I don't mean to sound negative or anything, but according to my research, everything sucks.

   I think we should buy a lot of sh&t we don't need and then find a soul-crushing job to pay for them.

   You look chatty. I’ll take the next elevator.

   My typical day at work: 9:00 am: What a beautiful day. 9:05 am: I WANNA GO HOME.

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered

   Commercials are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Television.

   The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.

   Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.

   I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...

   There is a fine line between confidence, and arrogance. I walk that line when I'm drunk, swaying from side to side.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are.

   Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Thursday.

   Dude you're doing it wrong!!! Its, I'm poor (not rich), but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised she didn't come with both arms raised....Have a Happy 4th of July!

   if you're poor, then you're the one doing it wrong, dude...

   I'm not celebrating independence day because I still live with my parents.

   Speaking of independence, does anyone know how many independence days does Egypt have? I have lost count.

   Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.