Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   I see you there, trying to get my attention. Flashing me, you're not sexy, you disgust me. All the time I've spent waiting on you, always taking up my time, the promise of greater things...and for nothing! Go away Java update notification.

   I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook the first thing in the morning and accidentally run up on the three headed baby.. Eww

   Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

   Harlem Shake....Off a cliff

   Why is it that one who smokes marijuana is automatically a pothead, but one who drinks every weekend isn't a drunk?

   Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks are not?

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

   When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   that Lorena Bobbitt swinging that knife around in the new Taco Bell commercial??

   Drinking a fifth on the fourth