Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im so drunk I'm seeing red headlights in my rearview mirror

   hey hun!!!! The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   Congrats to Nikki Manaj on her latest s hit song!!

   Hearing that Jesus loves you and you should let him inside you is very nice... Unless you’re in a Mexican prison.

   "Oh, he drinks too much." - boring people talking about fun people

   I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.

   If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.

   hey baby I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hotpocket

   Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.

   Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?

   Bow Wow been 14 for 20 years

   When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"

   Just found out I have some Native American in me. Well, that explains why I hate all of you.

   why you hasselhoffing your stomach in that photo dude!

   your so black the cops shot at you and the bullets came after you with flashlights!