Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?

   the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   Its exhausting trying to look busy at work all the time.

   Can't sleep. I'm too thinky and not enough sleepy..

   I signed up for the peace corps, but it sucks. Their definition of missionary is a lot different from what I thought when I told them on the application that is what I was interested in.

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   I do 50 sit-ups between each glass of wine so don't question my commitment to exercise.

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   Why does the girl in the Wendy's commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?

   Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   Wooing a girl is just where you keep shouting WOO! in their face, right?

   You're not superstitious; you're super-stupid!

   What's the word for when someone realize that they love you after it's too late? Oh yeah, "get lost loser".

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

   Well, New England Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, was thrown into jail this morning. Looks like he's going from a tight end position to a wide receiver.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Cinncinatti Bengals have announced that they have entered into negotiations with the New England Patriots to trade for Aaron Hernandez..

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool yesterday at the local YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in.