Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   happy Kim and Kanye are together, at least only one family is ruined.

   From the moment I saw you, I wanted 2 be inside You, The way you smell, The way your tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....Gotta love new sneakers.

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   James Gandolfini is dead and we have a new Kardashian. Athiests win....there is no god...

   Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11

   It's not like I think money buys happiness. I just doubt I'd be happy without it.

   It was sooo cold last night I had to use 2 laptops and 3 tablets just to keep warm! Camping is hard.

   "I want you to know what I'm saying, without having to actually say it." - Women.

   Why not just call her NORTH POLE because following in the footsteps of her mother KIM she is destined to be a stripper.

   I'm white, but not "know where my father is" white.

   "Yesterdays history, tomorrows a mystery, and today is Friday"

   I'm a gentlemen. I'll hold the door open. Help carry groceries. Tip you for a good bj. Buy you dinner if you let me finish in your ass.

   At some point, you're gonna be naked. I wanna be there when it happens. Even if it means staying in this closet for another 12 hours.

   It's not hard to tell girls apart from women. Do her eyes sometimes glow red? Does she say sh*t like "YOUR SOUL IS MINE"? That's a woman.

   Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.

   You cannot be ugly and be rude and antisocial and mysterious and get away with it. That type of behavior is for hot people.

   pick a number from 1 to 10 and add it to your age....think of a colour and clodse your eyes...................................dark isn't it?

   if any body needs me I will be over here waiting for football season

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach are aiming too high... jest saying

   you've got to walk through the door of uncertainty in order to get your punishment or reward,depending on how you look at it....