Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile

   Thinking of going back to MySpace, pretty sure the even the NSA does not follow anyone over there

   Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about someone who doesn’t even think of us for a second.

   Someone accused me of stealing his status that I stole from someone else... awkward!

   I bet Jay Leno is amazing at putting on pillow cases & folding blankets.

   Running into your therapist at the liquor store is therapeutic.

   Someone should really tell cab drivers not to Stink & Drive.

   The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark.

   Happy Birthday Sasha Obama! For her birthday, her daddy gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

   My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my stats but never liking any of them </3

   My phone display is brighter than my future.

   these screwdrivers taste a lot better since I ran out of OJ!

   I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.

   Vibrating tampons could cure the world of PMS.

   apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.

   The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar

   My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.