Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   One thing's for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!

   I'm taking my two beautiful children home from Disney World...... I'm leaving the two ugly ones there.

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.

   Step 1 in a relationahip is to make sure you strike fear in your girl heart. Threaten to hit her. Make her scared of you so she wont cheat

   Congratulations to Kim, Kanye and baby Cthulhu! The end is nigh...

   I want to motorboat her soul.

   “Hey you kids - get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in "Terminator 5"

   What,,Are you a weekly magazine?,,,,, You've got ALOT of issues

   Why does no one ever take pics of their fast food to post on facebook? You want people to see your gourmet feasts, but not when you're woofing down a 20 piece nugget?

   My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   Given that you can be anything you want on the Internet... I really don't understand why so many women portray themselves as skeeO's

   Out of all the Socially Transmitted Diseases out there, I have Instagram is my favorite.

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   If someone hates you for no apparent reason give them one.

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, and Malnourished."

   I have failed to remove all the jellies. I have shamed myself, and my ancestors.

   I'm not lost. I'm just exploring different ways of reaching nowhere.