Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love a good meal at the deli. Where else can I go to get an overabundance of nitrites, nitrates, saturated fats, cholesterol and sodium all served up on weird bread that contains seeds?

   im not controlling ....just aggressively helpful !!!!

   forget kay....every kiss begins with a semicolon :*

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   The phone company Virgin Mobile pretty much gives its satisfaction rate just by its name

   Basketball. Pfft. Running back and forth. Making passes. Dribbling. I do that every Friday night.

   N Korea claims it is in a "state of war" with the south. We could end this easily by turning over South Korea's most valuable asset: Gangnam Style!

   Tonight a human sized rabbit will be walking around your house while you sleep and will be leaving your kids candy......nothing creepy about that.

   Vodka infused marshmallow peeps. Perfect for adult Easter baskets.

   My son's Parrot just tweeted about his current living conditions!

   It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

   Human beings are the plague of this planet!!

   Nothing can ruin my day like cashiers When they tell me “have a good day”.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? .........Mark Sanchez

   I'm not big into Easter traditions, but I'm pretty sure drunkenly searching for an Egg McMuffin at this hour counts as Easter egg hunting.

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   Men don't grow up, they just hide their stupidity.