Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drew Peterson will learn for 38 years that men's prison is a lot like Facebook... if someone really likes him, they'll poke him a lot.

   Next time someone tells you "Anything is Possible", tell them to go slam a revolving door...

   every time I see a Buick, I look to see if it's Shaq, but it always some old white guy...

   The internet: where everything is cats and God forbid you make a grammatical error.

   In deference to any Chinese hackers who may looking at my posts: for the remainder of the evening, I will be using ROR (Raff out Roud) instead of LOL for your convenience. You’re welcome.

   people who think their state is the only one with crazy weather also think New York is nothing but concrete and buildings...

   Everybody's got their own alcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience

   this status has been formatted to fit your screen

   Remember the old days? When you use to be able to throw a hooker out of a moving car, and they'd charge her with littering.

   I don't really hit women, I'm English, I get my butler to do it.

   This Lego d ildo wasn't a good idea at all.

   If only plastic surgeons also sold class.

   I can already tell by the way your son throws a baseball that he is going to love baseball. ................players.

   Every exit is an emergency exit when you're on LSD.

   People with beards apparently have something to hide. Femininity for example, if they are a woman.

   Who's gonna give Rob Schneider work when Adam Sandler dies?

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and some b itch will tell him he's doing it wrong.

   And the Oscar goes to.................................... Court for killing his girlfriend.

   Gotta admire the people that get in shape for nothing

   Satan has introduced many awful things to mankind like herpes and aids, but I'd say one of his worst has got to be The Gangnam Style.