Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some say the world ends in lees than a month... My question is this: If the world ends are we better off than 4 more years of Obama?.... Discuss...

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   There's something to be said for HOT coffee and Bailey's on a COLD day such as this ;)

   So a man walks into a bar with a monkey.. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mother's a whòrë.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   If you shared that "I will give a random person 1 million dollars!" Powerball hoax on Facebook you might also want to send me $5000 to claim an additional $50,000 bonus prize.

   FYI Friends; DO NOT "share" Nolan Daniels's photo. It only ruins YOUR chances of winning!

   i bet evry person that has ever been on The Maury Povich Show voted for Obama.

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a damn movie

   The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain

   If you have to ask someone “Didn't you get my text?” that person hates you.

   It appears I'm friends with at least 200 babies on Facebook.

   I'm worried about my bed. It looks really lonely. I'd better give it a few extra hours of cuddling today

   Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.

   - I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.

   People SMOKE & DRINK for few days & get addicted.......Look at me. I am WORKING for all these years, but not YET ADDICTED to WORK. This is called "SELF CONTROL"