Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to give my massage therapist a tip but she refused. Something about she has a boyfriend blah blah blah.

   In the future, you'll be able to accurately predict your past.

   Allow me to water your balls so they can grow. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   Dear Google: We're not dating, so stop trying to finish my sentences. Sincerely, not searching for "Why can't midgets shave"

   Ladies; Take care of your eyes, they're the only balls you have.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what the heck that says but I swear I'm human.

   Some people's standards don't match their face.

   I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

   Graduating college in 4 years is like leaving a party at 10:30

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   Why do fellas use a condom on a chick the first time or two, but then just start going raw thereafter like STDs have a trial period?

   I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

   When someone talks to you and that little drop of spit shoots out there mouth and onto u. you all play it off.. but inside ur like (°°) wtf!

   You know.. Ive lost so many guy friends by askin a simple question.." Do you have twitter?"

   i have all the right answers ...you just ask the wrong questions

   Dear Toilet seat cover, when I'm done and start to get up, please let go of my ass cheek, Sincerely Every Man, Woman and child.

   MTV has proven that the recent rise in teenage pregnancy has reallyyyyy changed the definition of a MILF

   Laughter is the best medicine. But laugh for no reason and you need medicine.

   Here's a good way to find out if your mission on earth is complete: if your alive, it isn't.