Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a busy day of laying on the couch while snacking and watching football ahead.

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   Guys, ever have a dream where Angelina Jolie goes down on you and her lips explode all over your crotch? No? Well, you will now...

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   Been doing the Shake Weight thing all morning. Think I may go buy one now...

   It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes

   I use to prefer the girls that adored it when we made a romantic mix tape together. Now I prefer the ones that find it romantic when we use a mix of duct tape together.

   I don't want a relationship where people say "They look so cute together." I want one where they say, "Look how happy they are together."

   My good deed: Saw this homeless guy sign today, I was compelled by what I saw and immediately went to Walgreens to buy him a new poster and markers.....No one should have a sign that bad.

   its how funny how you can tell some people cant spell. "they speak into the phone"

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.