Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch,,,,,,,,,NAMES

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

   You gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a ferrari.

   You sounded funny to your followers until I blocked you.

   Finding yourself overwhelmed with office paperwork? Use it to roll the biggest joint ever.

   Dude, she called you short! "Oh Hell No! Lift me up!"

   Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?... Well he's back in town

   I hate when fat people say, “You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes”, I am like, “Look here Fatty, you couldn't walk a mile in your own shoes either.”

   If my doctor ever tells me I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, at least I'll know how I'm going to die.

   You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   During 2011, I was always drunk, crude, rude and flirtatious; just want you know that in 2012 you can expect exactly the same behavior.

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   If you think 7 years of bad luck are to much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom

   They should just make highway rest stops out of Purell.

   When I play a fighting game, I press random buttons and hope for the best.

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.

   single and ready to mingle! And by mingle I mean get laid.