Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   thinks they should make one of those laser pointer things that instantly detect STD's so you can point it at people when they try to shake your hand or hug you.

   She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."

   Fellas: Never let your woman talk you into painting her nails. You might as well give her your balls too.

   It's always funny when a basic chick tries to pass herself off as a model.

   Do I really have to explain why I love you? Okay fine. I love you because you give good head.

   'Amber Alert' would be a bada$$ name for a stripper.

   I think my DVR caught a virus or STD, somehow it recorded Jersey Shore on its own and wont allow me to delete 'em

   Doggystyle makes every chick pretty.

   Somewhere in the ghetto is a family that leaves the lights on in the kitchen so the roaches don't take over at night!

   I could win American Idol if they just let me bring my shower on stage.

   Big girls don't cry. Well, not tears. It's a combination of chocolate, movie popcorn butter, and broken dreams.

   To you it's copyright infringement, to me it's a remix.

   It takes a lot of nerve to speak out against gay anything while wearing a sweater vest.....

   its saturday and cartoons are on!

   I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.