Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how good he looks.. Someone somewhere is tired of his sh*t!...

   There are 3 kind of people.. The one's that know how to count and the ones that don't

   Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep :) :p

   I have to admit...as a woman I am jealous of men who can get morning wood. I could use a piece this morning.....to beat my alarm clock with!!!

   If I ever write thanks as thx you have full permission to smack me.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”

   You'd think a community activist would have a better handle on the economy by now.

   women are like cable tv: some channels are good and some channels are bad, but those really fun kinky channels always cost you more.

   I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she's not that ugly

   The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.

   Things you despised in your boyfriend or girlfriend while you are dating get magnified 10 times when you get married.

   To all those who DO include the year of your birthdate on Facebook... we know you're young... and stupid... and about to be the next victim of identity theft!

   What's the difference between a bagel and a $lutty fat chick? One's a roll with a hole. The other is a hole with a roll.

   Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   "Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital!"