Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…

   I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.

   Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy.

   i dont think guys play hard to get, maybe you're just hard to want...

   I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.

   When you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my Smart ph, I'm telling it how much I love it..!!

   Doggy style was invented so you wouldn't have to miss any of the game to get laid.

   You never have to wonder if someone loves you or not; their actions will speak loud and clear. If you're still wondering, they don't.

   CNN was showing a woman counting ballots. I haven't seen coverage like this, since Sesame Street.

   I'd like to thank my attorney, my plastic surgeon and my psychiatrist.

   I've just ordered personalized license plates that say, "BAA BAA" They should look awesome on my black jeep. O_o

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you.

   Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It's Tuesday that sucks.

   my New Years Resolution is to be less laz

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you or atleast that is what my wife says.

   Don't have safe sex unless you know the combination.

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.

   I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. :/

   I tend to say " I don't know" when i'm too lazy to speak.