Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   its about to be 2012: if you miss someone because they have passed away and in heaven , click like or type in their name..

   I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!

   If you got me an Ed Hardy shirt for Christmas, don't worry about a gift receipt...I'll get more X-mas joy out of burning it.

   "Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.

   A snake is a snake, no matter how many times it sheds its skin!

   I always keep a backup in case these hos wanna act up!

   Russel Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry... I wonder if she kissed a girl and he didnt like it.

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma

   No heterosexual man should text another man more than 5 times in 1 day unless its about money.

   wondering why you never see, "My resolution is to eat more fried foods, drink every day, oh!!! And take up smoking too!!!

   Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year?.......

   Why do ppl say the new year I'll change, things will better, I'm doing this or that, make resolutions...why do they wait till a new year has begun...you have the ability to change your life any day or month of the year...New Year, big deal....

   Morning check list 1. find a red solo cup 2.Let's have a party!

   As far as I'm concerned, every Coldplay song is called "Nasal Rain."

   My new year resolution is 1024×768 pixels.

   Piercing your lip is a good way to tell the world you let people pee on you in exchange for meth.