Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   364 shopping days left

   when you get gifts, people say "its the thought that counts"...my cousin got me deodorant...does she think I smell bad?

   running around the house with a wrapping paper tube saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

   Dear Ticker...seriously I dont wanna know each click of my friends ........what's this!!!

   You can wake up someone who is asleep but you can't wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   Anybody else have a turkey hangover?

   I was pulled over by a woman cop this morning. Never knew kitchens had speed limits.

   I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   Lot of men don't realize the true worth of their wives.........until a judge decides the alimony amount

   If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”