Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused :\

   "stepping on a frog"just isnt that funny at Christmas dinner at the in-laws.

   I dont always drink tequila,but when I do,I get f**king beligerent...stay away from me my friends!

   the only reason I enjoy Christmas is because it is the one time of the year that my habit of sitting in front of a dead tree, eating chocolates out of my socks, whilst waiting for a strange fat man to enter my house, is considered a normal event!

   so in the nativity scene...would Paris Hilton play the Virgin Mary or the cow?

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.

   Like if the T Mobile commercial gets your attention because you thought you heard "Walking in an Orgy Wonderland"!! Gets me every time!!

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   Death is like transferring schools. You hate to say goodbye to the precious people here, but after you move, you will meet some great people on the other side.

   I think I've had enough of the Christmas Spirit. The room is starting to spin...