Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a guy named David has his ID stolen, do we have to call him Dav?

   It's important to have a woman who cooks.2. It's important to have a woman who makes you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman trust you.4. It's important to have a woman that's good in bed.5. Its very important that these 4 women don't know each ot

   I don't always finish my sentences but when ido...

   I don't always make sense but when I do idont

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.

   I may not always celebrate holidays, but when I do, I prefer Christmas. Stay cheerful, my friend!!

   Hi. I'm a hot single chick. But I can't be in a relationship because I have to cater to my two lazy, spoiled teenage brats 24/7/365.

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?

   if you negate those who celebrate for the presents, or for the excuse to drink, or for the day off work, or for the reason to party, or for a morning in bed, the amount of people who truly celebrate Xmas is lower than the nos of actors in a 1 man show!

   I found a sealed turkey sandwich, ranch dressing and gatorade in my car. Santa must of mixed my car up with my stocking.

   the weighing scales are crying "b*tch please! I ain't going to lie and go lower"

   If I was homeless, I'd play it smart. My sign would say "Will have sex with any woman for food." That way, both of my needs are satisfied.

   I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

   I hope everybody enjoys the new air guitar I sent them for Christmas.

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   just shot my eye out ..the sights must be off on my Red Ryder B.B. gun!

   refusing to ride up Troy's bucket.

   The lump of coal I received this year was of exceptional quality, 9,326,423 years ago was a fine vintage year