Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   North Korea is retiring all size 3 women's shoes and size 87 sunglasses in honor of Kim Jong Il's death.

   I'm so good in bed that my privates were promoted straight to generals.

   Someone crafted this little gingerbread man out of cookie dough and lovingly baked it. Now I have to explain to him about death.

   Saab filing for bankruptcy? Such a Saab story.

   why did it have to be Kim Jong Il...why couldn't it have been Beiber

   if cannibal kids are in the yard playing with neighborhood children, is that considered "playing with their food"?

   Attention everyone: Jon Bon Jovi isn't dead, just his career

   dont ask me to lower my standards for you to raise your average!!

   Thank goodness Jon Bon Jovi is alive after all, Nickleback would be nothing without him.

   The phases of a Relationship: 1. ;-) 2. :-* 3. XOXO 4. XXX 5. EX

   Jesus had a snuggie first

   Putting your iPod on shuffle… “not this one.” (←_←) “or this one.” (←_←) “BINGO!” ~(','~) (~',')~ \('-'\) (/'-')/ \('-'\) (/'-')/

   I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.

   Kim Jong il last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

   These girls in my online class are sooo hot hot. ... Oh wait nevermind, that's just internet porn.

   Im gonna laugh when the day comes when our generation is saying "You spoiled little brats! All we had in our day was Xbox's, PS3's, iphones, flat-screen tv's & laptops, you ungrateful little sh!t"

   Dear God, its me again. If you are not busy making rich people richer, can I have a minute of your time please?

   RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.

   Right now your holding your phone in your right hand, having your 3 fingers behind, your pinky on the bottom & scrolling down with your thumb! :)

   Life is a b!tch, and Monday's its son..