Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've always wanted to know what was Victoria's secret…

   If you had to guess how many times I've visited your Facebook profile what would you say?

   Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. 

   I'm not talking about Facebook, I want to know how to block you in real life.

   The three phases of love: 1. XOXO 2. XXX 2. EX

   I dont know much about pies, but baby, you make my banana cream

   I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

   Remember, there are two ways to order a Filly Sandwich now. Thanks Horse Killers for the options.

   hacking Santa's NAUGHTYand NICE list!!!!! x-mas is going to be the bomb!!

   Don't you love it when you're ipod is about to fall, and your headphones saves its life.

   You wanna know who's amazing and has the cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :)

   It's all shlts and giggles till someone giggles and shlts..

   When you were younger and you would close your eyes to rinse the shampoo and that feeling like something was going to get you

   if I had a dollar for every time Capitalism was blamed for problems caused by Government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap.

   Thinking about buying one of those mattresses I've seen on TV just so I can leave half-full glasses of wine on it.

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   Parents, be nice to your children's teachers. They know more about you than you'd ever care to imagine.

   Oceans, largest to smallest: Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Southern, Arctic, Billy.