Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just finished putting up my Christmas lights...well actually all I had to do was turn them back on again, since they've been up all year anyway.

   ‎"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"

   that uncomfortable feeling when your poking session on FB lasted longer than "the real poking'

   the best revenge is to be happy...or laxitives in brownies, whichever

   Alcohol: Because no good story ever starts with "So this one time I was eating a salad..."

   One thing that will always remain true: There is no cool way to run with a backpack

   I'm Not Lazy. Someone Just Stole My Motivation. I'm the Victim here!!!

   I can't wait til the kids go back to school and all the people who are supposed to be working start posting again.

   B!tch please! Your bra has more stuffing than a teddy bear.

   Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.

   If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.