Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the kitchen with the wife and she asked, "What's the expiration date on this?" "11/30" I said. She went to throw it away and I said, "What are you doing!!! It's not even NOON yet!!!"

   When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys

   I'm bout to go to this club and drink responsibly. You know what that means right? Someone else will be responsible for the bill.

   NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!

   It's been said that Revenge is a dish best served cold, well in that case I best open up a Delicatessen.

   I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt.

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.

   Sometimes, it can be hard to let the cat out of the bag. Like if the bag was plastic and tied too tight, and the kitty is really sleepy now.

   My wife wants me to go outside to put away the picnic table and umbrella away for the winter. How can she expect me to reach these things from the couch?...it's impossible. She just does not understand.

   You say "potato," I say "I'll pay off your student loans if you let me install a camera above your shower."

   "Fart" is such a crude word. I prefer "Song of the South."

   I'm so sick of being white it's like playing a video game on easy

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   After Watching a scary movie.:IT'S OKAY I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP TONIGHT ANYWAY.

   Never tell your woman shut up... just tell her that her lips are sexy when they are closed...

   Strip Clubs dont make any sense to me. Its like somebody putting a hot turkey in front of you and all you can do is yell at it

   Do you believe in gosh?

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   Just finished a frenzied reciprocal poke session on facebook. I think my finger just came.