Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.

   Penguins don't give a flying phuck!

   Got insomnia? May I suggest watching the CMA's.

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.

   Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?

   "False information" spelled backwards is "False information"

   "Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!"

   I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.

   All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!!

   I know I am good,but I can be better!

   Lazy rule: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.

   Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shi#t

   Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like poop..!!!

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation