Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   One of my family members has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's if only I could remember which one!!

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.

   My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   how many times can you post the cougar/nittany lion thing. there is three per page! OK, WE GET IT!

   Kim Kardashian. Kim Bassinger. Kim Chee. I'll take "Things that are edible" for $500 Alex

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   I call the bomb squad everytime a package is delivered at work so we can stand outside & bull sh$it the rest of the day.

   If I were a dog I'd constantly be thinking "Sure. You can pat me. Whatever. Then you can feed me and maybe later you can pick up my poop".

   When I was younger I used to have a lot of patience, but now I'm like Michael Jackson's Doctor & I have no patients.

   I think I was bitten by a radio-active sloth.

   It's not that guys can't find the G-spot; we just like looking for it…a lot.

   If I've given you my time & an opportunity & you squandered both, don't question why I'm not in your bed tonight.

   I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.

   I never let my children watch band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

   You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.

   The funniest thing about the Darth Vader kid car commerical was that the parents thought they started the car.