Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   will work for a status.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts.

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   Don't you think it's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in our past and started blaming them on people in the future?

   A Real Man doesn't love a million girls, he loves a billion.

   Hang on sugar.... Daddys got a sweet tooth tongiht!!!

   Just picked up a Rubiks cube, see ya in a couple years

   I really don't mind getting up and going to work every day. It's the part about staying there for 8 hours that I have a problem with.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

   Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.

   The word "Scone" perfectly describes what it is.

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   My neighbors parked to close to my car again. And hey look at that, Somebody keyed their car again.

   Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven after Lucifer's rebellion?