Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   If Her Legs Aint Never Shook Or Locked Up On Ya, Yu Aren't Doing It Right!

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   It's no wonder I am claustrophobic.I like fresh air, open space & my head out of my a$$....Unlike slow drivers in the fast lane driving w/the blinker on for miles :(

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   if people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!