Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't everybody just pool the money, buy the Barcelona team and share them out on a club-by-club, week-by-week basis?

   In life it doesn't matter what people say about you... Most of them f##kers dont even know the real you, so who gives a toss what a bunch of sad twisted plebs think... The people who love and respect you the most know the person you really are.

   Instead of porn I just watch tennis with my eyes closed,,:~/

   Easiest way to get someones attention......look at them lean over to someone else and start whispering

   not a piece of meat! Though I suppose, technically, I could be turned into several pieces of meat pretty easily

   Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...

   there once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of a genie, that tickled his weiny. And woke up with a hand full of goo.

   Whenever a couple tells me that their baby was born premature, I glare accusingly at the father.

   Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

   Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you're counting punches.

   No doubt, a woman's body is home to the world's best man-caves.

   If life is a highway, that totally explains my inability to merge on to it.

   I love Halloween. All these slutty outfits have me scared stiff.

   has problems with asthma. Like what the hell is the 'th' in there for?

   If your nuts happen to itch while in public, best way is to scratch it from the inside of your pants pocket.

   If today were a fish, I'd throw it back.

   is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?

   An Italian chick Linda Orsini, had a lesbi@n girlfriend named Jeannie. To her partner she said, "let's have pasta in bed", and they both enjoyed cunnilinguini.

   When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!

   just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions