Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

   DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”

   I have a dilemma, I follow the golden rule don't trust a girl who says she only has a friend (Biz Markie), but what do I do when she has 671 facebook friends?

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.

   Women are like condoms.. they spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

   Reality is for people who can't afford high speed internet.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

   I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   Cashiers are always checking me out.

   Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!

   Most signs that say there's 24 hour surveillance just mean the sign is there all day.

   Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.

   The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   Most women conveniently forget their past, because they don't want to recall how many boyfriends they had.