Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't take it personal, if they don't know you personally.

   Don't run your mouth like its on Broadband, when your brains working on Dial up.

   NEWS: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of dollars a year" What site are they using? It's free for me.

   Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

   well I think its time to do the things I have always wanted to to before judgement day October 21 lmao not again!!!!!

   “Hold on playa!” -Ghetto Yield sign.

   Dear Nickelback, I'll give you a dollarback if you'll stop making music.

   A 100-year-old man ran a full-length marathon today. And then a 40-year-old man sent a tweet about it while eating ice cream on his couch.

   Karing about Kardashians is Kulturally Kreepy & Kognitively Korrosive.

   If I don't wear my tinfoil helmet, Jesus will tell me to eat all the donuts.

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."

   "I don't always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Chi Chis." hahaha Stay Thirsty my friends.

   Here's a lil tip guys...don't ask your wife or GF "what kind of cake are you making me for bosses day?" Happy Bosses Day

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.