Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Occupying Facebook...

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   With all these toys in the world, people choose "feelings" to play with.

   Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?

   I'd like to thank my ex for making me see how I shouldn't be treated

   All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.

   It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.

   Anyone mind if I invented a new letter to go between M and N?

   I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   All I want is to live in a world where kids don't lose their s*** when they see Elmo.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   Next week I'm going to leave my son home and bring a canned ham to his T-ball practice and see if the coaches notice.

   Ok, if I agree with you and say I'm codependent will you promise to never ever leave?

   I gave three women Corona's today and not one of them appeared in a bikini! Dang false advertising!!

   Apple & Blackberry crumble!!!

   Until the protestors organize a occupy bourbon street, they are pretty much on their on...

   Hey people who abbreviate "text" to "txt," hly fck, ur lzy!

   when captain morgan files his taxes for this year .... he's gonna claim me as a dependent

   copying status's from many pages ago and re posting them in the hope people aint seen them before, in attempt to make myself look funny.