Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Defensive Eating: Strategically consuming food for the sole purpose of preventing others from getting it.

   I feel sorry for guys who are in relationships with one woman.

   High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

   Guilty people answer questions with a question.

   yes we know you are heartbroken but please stop posting all those sad youtube songs.

   ┏(-_-)┛┗(-_- )┓┗(-_-)┛┏(-_-)┓ EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'

   Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can't wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie 5% - that's was a complete waste of money 85% - I gotta pee.

   I'm not drunk. I'm just tired from.....ah who am I kidding, I'm drunk!

   In London, England The Big Ben clock tower is leaning, and it's getting worse. This Political Question comes to mind: Is it leaning to the Right or the Left?

   Women are completely cute and defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   When I see a hot girl in a Movie or on T. V, I google her name to see if she has any nude pics.

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   My daughter came home from school and said that a boy showed her his pen!s. She said it reminded her of a peanut. I said, "Why, was it small? She said, "No, it was salty."

   My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

   I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."

   life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   More SAD NEWS for the music industry: Soulja Boy is working on a new album.

   what's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?

   Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

   Every morning I long to hold you, I need you, I want you, I love your warmth... your smell, your taste... Ohhh coffee I love you. Good Morning!