Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better...

   ...Unique is an understatement, I'm just plain ol' messed up.

   ‎...I just dropped a handful of skittles in the toilet and flushed..... it was like watching a Nascar race @ Bristol

   Gynecologists work at the gap.

   How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!

   When ever my wife says I got you something,i think"great what kind of useless thing did you buy me with my money"...

   Celebrating Columbus Day by walking into some stranger's house and telling them I live there now.

   who cleans up after seeing eye dogs?

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   Paul McCartney is going to be pissed when he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife.....

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. Not meant to go together. But shake us up and, hell I dunno, put us on your salad.

   well at least Quikflix lived up to its name.

   I patiently wait, after posting a humorous status message on facebook, for the first "Debbie Downer" to come along who completely doesn't get it, then posts a comment which totally destroys the joke

   I can tell my girlfriend's Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them.

   has been celebrating Columbus Day by walking into my neighbors homes and telling them that I live there now.........

   I think it is hilarious that the Wall St. protestors hate big corporations, carring signs made with posterboard and markers they bought at WALMART, while wearing their GAP jeans, taking pictures with their MOTOROLA or AT&T camera phones, and drinking from

   (Continued) DASANI (part of the COCA-COLA company) water bottles. After a long day of protesting they'll get in their CHEVY, FORD, GM vechicles powered by gasoline from EXXON/MOBIL, CHEVRON, CONOCO/PHILLIPS and will stop and eat at MC DONALD'S, SUBWAY, TA

   i totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger