Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best relationships are the ones you didn't expect, the ones you didn't wish for, the ones you didn't plan and the ones you never saw coming.

   Nobody can tell you who I am or what I am all about. Nobody can describe me or explain me to you. Knowing me is something you will just have to do yourself.

   During sex, anyone can say I love you, but only a few are going to stay and prove it.

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   It's always five o'clock in my liver

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   "Get off my Beach" First words spoken to Christopher Columbus by the Original Native American's

   Middle finger up to my old life.

   saw a man with one arm walk into a second hand store.

   Met someone today at the dentist with only a dollar to their name all they could afford was buck teeth

   Wanted to treat myself to something expensive today..So I went and got gas for my car

   Crowded elevators smell different to little people

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   umm can I have a coke?” “is pepsi ok?” “I dont know is monopoly money ok?”

   Call me an artist, I draw attention.

   Can someone text me a in & out burger?

   Becareful how you treat people.... for the toes you step on today may be connected to the @$$ you kiss tomorrow

   U know I bet people would become a lot nicer if they sold people tags like they sell deer tags. Once a year you can buy a tag and take out that 1 special person

   Waking up after a night out and knowing you could write The Hangover 3.

   Why is "Children in need" always towards christmas time? Having to give gifts to the kids I already know is hard enough, but I have worked it out, their more happy with an empty box then the gift...