Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That great feeling when the girl comes back to you hurt and crying after choosing the "jerk" instead of you.. I'm sorry but I told you so..

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   in the stickiest situation ive been stuck in since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

   It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too?

   That panic moment when she asks, "is it in?" when it has been in for the past minute. FML

   A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

   Trying to read a cartoon character's lips is the most frustrating thing ever

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   You should always be honest and tell a woman if she's got a mediocre pu$$y. It only makes her try harder next time.

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   Bringing babies on a 7 hours flight should not be allowed.

   Its amazing how the people with no real job always have weed on them everytime

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   If I was a ghost on "Ghost Whisperer" the first thing I would ask Jennifer Love Hewitt is "are those real?".

   McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. That should be good for another million burgers.

   thinks it is hilarious that the Wall St. protestors hate big corporations, wearing their GAP jeans, taking pictures with their Motorola camera phones, and drinking from Dasani water bottles.

   my neighbor bought a pumpkin and carved it. I asked him, " why didnt you make it look like it had teeth"? he said, " I was trying to make it look like my wife".