Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I guess Amish gangs are going around and cutting beards off of other Amish people. That's some hardcore gangsta sh*t right there

   "Now how is he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see my Ex again

   Wishing all my facebook friends a fantasmagorical weekend filled with fun, sun, and...hang on a sec....huh?....okay, it's supposed to rain all weekend so never mind.

   I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   electric toy trains and breasts are very similar...both were made for children but it's dad who can't keep his hands off!

   As Anti-Wall Street protests spread outside the New York Stock Exchange over the corporate greed in America, pitchforks were up by 8 3/4 and torches by 7 1/2 points

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud

   So October is Breast Cancer Awareness month... Please take a pic of your boobs in your favorite bra and post them on my page titled "Save These!" Thank you in advance for showing your support ;)

   My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

   Who know why there are so Many Birthdays in October? Simply because valentine day was nine months Ago people who are born in this month most be called fruit of love ;)

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.

   Pain changes people. Don't hurt them if you don't want them to change on you.

   Loving someone who does not love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

   At school we learn that the sun rises in the east but in fact, the sun neither rises nor sets. Only earth rotates. Education spoils our common sense sometimes.

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

   just read that the Raiders Organization says they will have an open casket for Al Davis....most people won't know the difference anyway

   Man Law #236: Unless you last name is "Van Damme" grown a$$ men don't do the splits...

   3 Jobs that changed the world: HAND, BLOW and STEVE!