Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just purchased one of those anti-bullying bracelets to show support, Okay, Fine I didn't buy it. I stole it from a short, fat, little Ginger kid

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   Women who keep complaining that All guys are the same should tell us something - Who asked you to try them all?

   Steve Jobs dies....Hmmm...That's even more jobs lost during Obama's watch.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if Steve revive in 2 days?

   Did you ever think that maybe there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?

   I hate people who keep whining over their pointless self-created, self-inflicted and never-ending drama.

   I hate when people text me.."Hey Stranger? How are you?" Clearly I'm not a stranger if you have my cell phone #!

   Eskimo marriages have increased at least tenfold due to global warming. The main reason is that young couples are finding it easier to break the ice.

   Dude what are you thinking!? She has a boyfriend!!! Yeah, so??? Just cause hockey has a goalie doesn't mean you can't score!

   "We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only thorugh our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." Orson Wells

   Ladies: Why do you wear engagement rings to let the world know that you are taken and off the market while your man doesn't wear any? How are the opportunistic man-stealing predators suppose to know he is taken?

   You made trendsetting, innovative and brilliant products that most people cannot afford but all the same RIP Steve Jobs.

   RIP Steve Jobs. Thanks for making the apple more than just afruit.

   Well, I guess we now know the grim reaper is a mexican, him coming over here and taking our Jobs. :/

   You say I'm dirty minded but how did you understand what I meant?

   My wifes name is KEYBOARD and I tap that every day!

   Idea: October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.. instead of posting your color bra, why not take a pic of your boobs, post them and say "Save These!" . .why beat around the bush? (or bare floor)

   If you can't fix it with duct tape, WD-40 or a martini it aint worth fixing.

   Kinda sad that future generations wont get the joy of watching scrabbled porn..."Is that a boobie or an elbow??...Hmm I dont know but it's gonna have too do"...