Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   I can't go to Hell, Satan still has that restraining order against me.

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"

   I finally saw my 1st Porn the other day,wow I just can't get over how young I looked back then !!

   I said.." I want a friend with benefits"..not "a friend on benefits"

   You might be a redneck if : the Halloween pumpkin on you porch has more teeth than your spouse .

   whats the difference between "Batman" and a "Blackman"? well Batman can always walk into a store without "Robin"

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

   Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."

   Women; because its not gonna suck itself

   Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."

   going to a halloween party with my girlfriend. I'm weraing nothing but a skillet tied around my waist and she's wearing nothing but a pair of boots. Going as Peter Pan and Puss in Boots.

   iMac, iPod, iPhone, iCloud, iPad and today... iSad