Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to just sit alone and think about things... I've noticed that if I do it for too long my legs fall asleep and I can't get off the toilet.

   My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'

   The doctor told me I was borderline diabetic. So I told the doctor, 'What are you getting racial for? Why do you got to say 'borderline,''cause I'm Mexican? Can't you say 'almost'?'

   I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.

   Men age like fine wine, Women age like milk.

   I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

   I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

   She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. She just came in and said it: 'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

   I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, 'cause tonight I want to F.

   Thanks Steve Jobs for giving the world an option to do more than stare out the "Window".

   Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. RIP Steve Jobs.

   If Godzilla had a son his name would be Jesuszilla?

   My biggest fear is that my legs will go to sleep while I'm going poop then stand up, collapse and get knocked out. Then I'd be found on the floor naked and sh!tty...

   selling all of his now soon to be worthless Apple Stock

   Only Steve Jobs Could Bite An APPLE & Keep It Fresh For 3 Decades. R.I.P Steve Jobs

   refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

   Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic

   Dear Google Maps, Please extend your street view to the rural parts of the country. I'm trying to find out which field I left my virginity in. Sincerely, anonymous

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying