Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It sox to be you.

   Bacon is meat candy

   Aah, It's the weekend again. Time to gather the family around the computer or smart phone and read out my status updates for the week. Keep smiling my friends.

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.

   Tomorrow is of course the start of what most rock stations call Rocktober.

   My girlfriend is a retard, but she has nice boobs...so it evens out.

   An American blue collar boy's simple pleasure: AM country classics!

   Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin

   having Chris Hansen show up I assume is alot like getting Rick Roll'd for pedophiles

   Sitting on the bus and some twat sitting next to me has decided to play vile raggarage on his loud speaker... I'm gonna either headbutt him or just return fire with some pavarotti

   I was asked if I liked blowing bubbles... but I am not sure. Who is Bubbles?!

   Being an Ahole to chicks to get rid of them is like menstruating to get rid of bears.

   "You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." -Peter Griffin