Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell, you have to find the start to scotch tape over and over

   Let's hope karma is a bigger b!$#h than they ever were.

   BOY: Hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: Good job son! GIRL: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: Where the hell is my gun?

   I beat my girl at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

   she said I don't give my number to strangers and I'm like we have been facebook friends for like 1 week already..lol

   This is just a reminder that your left leg and yo right leg are not at war. Please re-unite them.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   Good morning Friday...tell your pal Monday he needs to come around here tomorrow so all my friends can get back to work so they don't forget how great it is to work for a living.

   Here's to the moments when we throw caution out of the window, cross our fingers and hoped for the best.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Facebook -- a place to indulge your ADD and OCD all in one place.

   Ever worry that the sensors on those automatic toilets are actually little video cameras? Bet you are now.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.