Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Dont let the ladies fool you cuz deep down they know they need us men...If not for the orgygasims then at least for are ability too kill spiders and open jars...

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   I'll probably lose all the weight I want now that I've permanently lost my appetite after reading the headline "Nancy Grace Nipple Slip".

   Did you know that your nipples are lined up with your earlobes? :)

   I am about 9 inches long, You use me every day, I do all the work for you, and I make you happy. What am i? You pervert... I am a TV remote.

   wonders if using the FB poke app is like cyber foreplay??? Cause if it is I got a freaking orgy about to start here!!!

   The added bonus of fingering a fortune teller on the rag is, I got my palm red for free. :/

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.